bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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