I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
