No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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