OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
