Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
