Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
