Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize