Your face is a jimmy john
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
