I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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