thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
