I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
