I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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