We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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