Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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