At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
