Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Where are you guys?
Drunk
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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