Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
