I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
