Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
