You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
