So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize