I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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