I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
