do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize