how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
