Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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