your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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