She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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