yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
