Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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