How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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