So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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