I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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