ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
