you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize