My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
