turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
