Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
