In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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