Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
