We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
