i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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