My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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