none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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