I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
