just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
