Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
