Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
