No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
