Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
