life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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