I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize