Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
