I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The power of my boobs compel you
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
