when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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