12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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