I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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