I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
