Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
