Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize