I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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