i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
