Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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