Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
