ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
