You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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