he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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