I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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