This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
