1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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